August 3

Lunch with Jack in a Chinatown food court which left me -as always- feeling disturbed. Why did I think that I wanted to have a relationship with such a joyless creature? I listed his flaws all the way back to the university: unhappiness, a complex about being persecuted because of his swarthiness and dress sense, unhappiness, unhappiness, unhappiness. Is it a flaw? Then I realised that the reason these meetings bother me is because I have abandoned him so completely and can't (or won't) feel anything for him at all, when once I would have sold my soul to be loved by him. I find it hard to meet his eyes and I know that it's because I'm scared that he wants something from me, that he will ask me for something I'm entirely unable and unwilling to give. Ah guilt. That's what it is.

Later: I have just been to a yoga class at the university- the teacher is named Erin and she has a cavity where other women have stomachs. Here I discovered the shocking truth that I like to chant ommmm. I also spoke to Klaus Masannek last night (with much trepidation) and was surprised to find him a) available (Marcin's theory being that he was skiing in Bavaria) and b) civil. I will have to find a new demon for my romantic and other kinds of trauma.