may 17 5:30 pm

Back from a wasted trip to the north shore- it's been raining sporadically and unpredictably all afternoon and even sitting downstairs on the train, with a knee high view of the commuting hordes, it's still possible to identify the fashion victims by the sodden ugg boots that weigh down their feet like waterlogged rabbits. It's already dark and beginning to clear- the moon is out (half full) and about, multiplying itself in the puddles and it's hard to belive that days get shorter than this though I'm sure they would n ot agree in St. Petersburg.

So- where were we? Why did Edith leave Jorge? In my excavations I found this answer- she did not leave him. She left 'fusion and codependencia': she needed to live. About to step into the same tunnel from which they are just emerging, alone and shell shocked, I can't help wondering if it's bound to end like that. If, sooner or later, when you have shared the same air long enough, when you know the contours of what you will find when you stretch out your hand so well that it doesn't matter if it's there or not, does love stop augmenting you and start to diminish you instead? Will it happen one day, after 2 years, or 3, or 5, that I start to stay awake all night, gathering the leftovers of space and time that nobody wants in order to have something that belongs only to me? Will Marcinski and I revert to the irrational mathematics of embryos, where one and one still only make one?

In the interests of building an enduring love, I am colonising this small piece of cyberspace in advance, so that I always have a place of my own. I don't want the love nest and the lovely Polish face on my pillow to fill my horizons until one day I decide that it's obscuring my view, and I don't want to be driven mad by peace and comfort until even pain seems like an improvement, because at least it carries some intensity. If it ends let it be for a better reason, defeated by the pragmatics of language or money rather than by the perversions of human nature which always wants what it hasn't got.